COMMITTING TO BEING HAPPY WAS FUN, THOUGH ACTUALLY BEING HAPPY WAS MORE WORK THAN I'D ANTICIPATED. HAVING THE EASTER BREAK TO LOOK FORWARD HELPED OF COURSE. THIS WEEK THOUGH THERE WERE SEVERAL MOMENTS WHEN I WANTED TO SCREAM, OR AT LEAST GIVE IN TO THE URGE TO LIE DOWN AND ROCK IN THE FOETAL POSITION.

Being positive at those times was very hard. (Self-help books recommend you shouldn't say too hard, but it was too hard for goodness sake. I'm only human and surely being honest with yourself is a good thing?) I found it too hard to be positive and smiley at those times. However with my promise to myself of being happy in mind, I tried to meditate when I got home and put the stresses out of my mind. Meditation has been on my new year resolution list for at least five years. I never seem to make the time, and when I do try my mind wanders and I get cross with myself and the whole thing becomes self-defeating. I've remained convinced of its benefits though and always knew it would be part of the new/old me I wished to become. Yet another self-help book suggested starting with just one minute and adding an extra minute every day till you reach your target. Even I could do that and I've quite enjoyed it, even when I get it ‘wrong.' I haven't been sleeping as well the last few days and instead of letting worry take hold, I've focussed on my breath and by the time my alarm goes off, I've felt much better.

I've also made my first thought of the day, ‘today is a good day.' Even if it deteriorates into mess (which to be fair it hasn't done to quite the same degree it used to,) at least I have that first half hour of contentment every day. I've gone back to using affirmations. I say them to myself in the car instead of listening to the morning radio shows which only serve to irritate me anyway. I'm in danger of becoming smug if I keep arriving at work convinced that ‘I am powerful, strong, worthy and calm.'

‘He' and I had our first outing as a ‘new' couple to an Easter barbeque. It was easy and things in general have continued in the same vein. I then let an old, unresolved issue get to me yesterday. Brutal honesty is essential to me, and I let him know it was still an issue and he explained it in a way that seemed too good to be true, so I told him I didn't believe him even though I did. Thank God I got over myself. Things are lovely again.

I'm going away this week by myself. I'm trying not to let paranoia about ‘us' upset me. After all, even if he does decide to entertain Elle McPherson, Cindy Crawford and Helena Christensen masquerading as strippers, what good will me worrying about it do? (Deep breath woman). I think the break will do me good. I'll take my diary and rant to my heart's content about my thoughts, dreams and worthy calmness. It's getting late now and I haven't packed, or even gotten close so I will go do that now. No more self-sabotaging behaviour. I deserve to pack my nice clothes and toiletries that make me feel lovely when I use them. If only the adaptor could double as a candle-holder.