I'm feeling a lot more positive about myself and life in general. I had been feeling so very old. I didn't want to be a cliché when I turned 30 but that is exactly what I let myself become. I went on about how I was "so old," or worse, "too old." Too old for what exactly - to act the way I did when I was 17? And why exactly did I want to? Oh that's right, I didn't. I've had a fear about growing old since I was about eight. It sounds ridiculous, but sadly it's true. I sometimes remember to comfort myself with the quote, ‘today is the first day of the rest of your life,' but most of the time I spend so much time stressing about how there's not enough time to do everything, that I don't actually do anything.

My list/diagram of what my life looks like right now did not go too well. I found it easier, and probably more helpful to concentrate on how I wanted it to look. Once I'd done that, most of the steps needed to get to this ‘future me' seemed obvious. Again, not necessarily easy, just obvious. In amongst all the ‘break-up' books I got out of the library last time was a self-help book that suggested (quite forcefully,) that you should focus on what you did want rather than what you don't want. It's always nice to know that you're on the right track.

There are so many areas of life to think about, and though it felt like hard work when I started, it quickly became fun and a little silly. I wrote out a huge, messy list of all the things I want in my life. There were the important ones like working part-time within four years, and the smaller, slightly vain ones like having really thick hair again. I've started on some of the actions already. I've promised myself that I will not tick anything off like on a ‘to do' list. ‘To do' lists intimidate me for some reason and I never seem to be able to achieve more than 50% of the list, but always manage to beat myself up about it. So the list is more of a reminder for me to look at when I want to remember what I want for myself.

As for him, things were stilted and awkward for the first few days, but over the last half-week, I've been so focussed on me that I've stopped worrying about ‘us.' I'm accepting things for what they are and it's taken the pressure off. We're almost like we were right at the beginning and are treating each other with the consideration and childish joy that we wanted but couldn't achieve when we were trying. It's great.

I recently found the quote, ‘today you are the sum total of all your decisions to date.' I don't know who said it, but it's true. So yesterday, today, tomorrow and every day from now on I am deciding to commit to making myself happy. I don't mean in a self-indulgent way that shirks all responsibility, but in a way that has an eye on the bigger picture and the longer-term. I feel freer and more able to actually do what I want to do instead of just mentally picking up after myself all the time. And I feel younger than I have in about 14 months, and even this sometimes jaded, cynical, world-weary 30 year old can see that that's got to be a good thing,