empoweronline.com.au

Often when I talk about relationships, people don’t realise that includes all relationships. Not just those between you and your partner, but you and your work colleagues, your family, your friends and yes even the people that serve you your coffee at your local coffee shop.

If you aren’t getting what you want from the people in your life, then it’s time for change. When you make changes to your thought patterns and, therefore, behaviour, your whole environment will respond.

I would suggest you start with a relationship that only needs a small adjustment to turn it into the type of relationship you want. Could the receptionist at work be more pleasant to you, would you like the guy at the parking station to be more amenable, perhaps the people at the coffee shop could be friendlier?

To start with, choose a relationship that doesn’t have a huge impact on you so you don’t have as much emotion tired to it. The reason being it will be easier for you to make the change and then you can move on to more significant relationships.

That’s right, did you notice I said you make the change? You are the person who has control over your world and no-one else. You can respond any way you choose and it is your choice. When you start taking more control over how you choose to see the world, it will reflect back to you what you choose to see.

Creating Change
The best place to start when making changes is by noticing your thoughts and what’s happening in your body. Catching your negative thoughts will tell you when a change is required to bring you more happiness, and the feeling of tension in your body is another indicator that a change in thought patterns is required.

So lets make a start. Choose the person with whom you want a more improved relationship. Your focus is going to be nothing but positive. Make a list of all the good things about this person, no matter how big or small. They can be from the past, or in the present. Do they have a great smile, is it that, when you first met them, they were warm and welcoming towards you, it is that they have easy to read handwriting?

Now imagine how you would feel around this new and improved other person. Would you feel relaxed, would you feel safe to express yourself, would you feel happy to be in their presence? Let your body feel the sensation of ease as opposed to the tension it felt before. This is the body sensation that I want you to remember.

You are now set – you have the tools to implement the changes you want. So how do you apply these tools? The answer is simple but may take practise.

When you catch yourself either thinking negatively, complaining, being critical or having unpleasant thoughts about this person, refer to your list of positive aspects. Your task is to ignore the negative experience you are presently experiencing and focus on the positive aspects that you either know about the person, or want to experience.

You may have to leave their presence at first and read your list until the exercise gets easier. When you leave their presence, remember how good it will feel when you are in an improved relationship and notice the tension in your body relax. Focus on relaxing your body and releasing tension. Where there is negativity there is always tension somewhere in the body.

Your mind can’t focus on two opposing emotions at the same time. In other words, you can’t think criticism and love all at once. So when you continue to focus on positive, complementary thoughts you will not be sending critical, destructive thoughts and your life experience will reflect your focus.

Remember, it’s all about your happiness level. If you are content with living a less than wonderful life, don’t bother to change. But as the saying goes, ‘If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got’. Don’t expect a different outcome when you keep doing the same thing.

The key to all of this is patience. Expect a change rather than complaining the change isn’t coming fast enough, as this behaviour will nullify all your good work.

Take it in small bites. Try it for a day, and then try it for a week. Any behaviour can be changed in 30 days, but don’t beat up on yourself if you slip back into old negative habits. Decide if your happiness is worth it and get right back on track if that’s what you want. Have fun with it and see how much more joy you can bring into your life.

Gaynor Parke runs Advanced Success Life Coaching. Contact her on (02) 9939 5420 or visit www.advancedsuccesslifecoaching.com.au