Perfectionism is all or nothing thinking. It is exhausting, and it stands between you and happiness. As a perfectionist, you may have such an attention to detail that you spend all your times making lists, and putting things in order that you are not able to finish your work. Alternatively, you may be one of those ‘super' people who can fit everything in for everybody, except for yourself.

In relationships, you may need everyone to like you. You may take on the opinion of others rather than making your own mind up about who you are. ‘If someone thinks I am incompetent than I am incompetent. If someone doesn't love me than I am unlovable.' Does this song sound familiar?

There are degrees of perfectionism and this type of thinking can telescope into catastrophic thinking such as ‘I couldn't handle making a mistake while presenting to the office', or ‘If I do not stay thin, nobody will ever be attracted to me. Christmas has to be bigger and better than last year or I'll just die!'

Perfectionists are overly responsible, and always, always at all costs must be in control. ‘ I can prevent my son from getting sick if I constantly remind him to dress warmly, eat his vegetables, wash his hands, get enough sleep,' and the list goes on and on.

Perfectionists are proud of their extensive ‘SHOULD' list. This list contains all the not negotiable; I shall not deviate from rules on ‘how things ought to be.' You also have difficulty trusting others, the old ‘if I want a job done properly, I will have to do it myself syndrome'. There is only one way to peg out the clothes, fold the socks, present a business proposal, apply for a grant and like the should list this one goes on and on.

So here is a little check list. Do you over compensate - would you rather arrive an hour early than risk being a minute late? Do you check and double check? Do you look for reassurance? Are you constantly repeating and correcting? Are you organizing and list making excessively? Are you a procrastinator? Do you give up too soon or don't know when to quit? Are you unable to delegate? Are you a hoarder? Are you a master at avoidance? Are you always trying to change the behavior of others?

Now you have identified your perfectionism, and you want to, you can let it go. The first step is acceptance. No beating yourself up, no blaming, no shaming, no guilt, no regrets, for that is how a perfectionist thinks and you don't do perfection anymore!

Time to turn your attention, from the outside world, to your inner world, for it is there you will find the answers. Be brave, it is worth it, the pay- off is personal freedom and happiness. Firstly, it is time to re-evaluate your standards- be honest. Are they really helping you? What purpose are they serving? Are they adding to the quality of your life?

Next, take a good hard look at how they are affecting others. Are they making happy families, happy relationships, happy you? Now assess the flexibility of your perfectionist beliefs. Do they offer a variety of opportunities or have you decided there is only one way to succeed?

Isolate your personal triggers, what situations make you run for the cover of perfectionism? Accept, accept, accept, you did the best you could, that is all any of us can do. Finally, keep a ‘perfectionism' diary or journal. Be honest, be open with yourself and you can make changes. When you give up the need to be ‘policeman of the universe' you will experience increased energy levels, health, happiness and improved relationships. When you accept yourself and others for who they are, not what they do, then you open the door to the all the things you were seeking by trying to control everything.

All you have to do is let go.

Shelley Murphy is a certified and licensed ou Can Heal Your Life workshop and seminar leader. She is a passionate writer, artist, student and teacher of truly transformational workshops! She is also a Reiki Practitioner To contact Shelley email This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or visit her website http://users.adam.com.au/buddha/healyourlife.htm