PEOPLE GET HURT FOR ALL SORTS OF REASONS AND IT'S HOW YOU EXPRESS THAT HURT TO THE PERSON YOU FEEL HAS BEEN RESPONSIBLE THAT DETERMINES HOW FAST, IF AT ALL, A RESOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM CAN BE REACHED. GAYNOR PARKE EXPLAINS...

It's not usually about him not calling or her nagging, it's always about the feelings behind the issue. She may be feeling unloved and unimportant when he doesn't call and he may be feeling trapped and overwhelmed when she nags. It's our feelings that get hurt and it's often the little things that mask the real reason for the pain and subsequent anger.

Often it is just a misunderstanding that results in someone feeling hurt. It can be something that someone does that reminds you of a past hurt that triggers an angry response. There are many reasons but one thing is usually always true, it is not so much the actual action that causes the pain it is the emotion it has triggered that is the true cause of the pain.

Addressing that emotional response is what is required to put out the fire of anger and hostility and take the relationship back into calmer waters. Here are some things to remember on how to deal with anger and conflict.

The 5 Big Dont's

1. Don't expect the other person to read your mind.

As a woman I must confess to being guilty of this when I was first married. "He should know what he did wrong" was my mantra. We all have expectations of ourselves and others. When those expectations are not met, conflict can occur. Let the other person know what is going on with you and then you can work on a resolution.

2. Don't just give hints of what you want or expect, be direct and specific.

"You should be more helpful" is not specific enough. List the things that have caused you pain and say why. Not taking out the rubbish may seem a silly reason to be upset until you explain the you feel taken for granted when the rubbish is left to pile up and up. You need to identify your pain and give ways of relieving it so the other person can participate in the solution specifically.

3. Don't let painful feelings go unaddressed.

They usually build up and it is better to nip them in the bud. Resentment can build on top of a small issue and blow it out of proportion so it is best to speak up when there is a problem.

4. Don't bring up old hurts.

Stick to the issue at hand. This is like scratching at an old wound. It can't get better if you keep bringing it up each time there is an argument. Deal with the issue and then put it to rest.

5. Don't name call as this is not expressing your feelings it is being hurtful in return for being hurt and that will not help you reach a resolve.

Ridiculing the other person with name calling will only exacerbate the situation. The object is to reach a solution and inflicting more pain will not do anything to reach that end.

Try as best you can to remember and implement these 5 ways to handle conflict resolution the next time a problem arises and I'm sure the journey to a peaceful outcome with be swifter.

Remember if you want the other person to fight fair it's up to you to lead by example. When all else fails and the temperature has reached boiling point retreat to your corners, take off the boxing gloves and cool down before you say anything else.

Gaynor Parke is an author, sales trainer and CEO of Advanced Success Life Coaching. With over 25 years of personal development, business knowledge and a unique intuitive ability Gaynor has a vast array of skills and experience to draw. For your free copy of "Eight Powerful Steps To Create a More Successful Life" visit Gaynor's website www.advancedsuccesslifecoaching.com.au