I recently celebrated my 40th birthday and to be honest I have been freaking out about it since I turned 37. Whenever I hit a milestone birthday which for me are usually the ‘0' birthdays it makes me reflect on where I am, my goals, what I have achieved and where I want to go. So for the last 3 years this has been in the forefront of my mind in some way.

At the beginning of this year knowing that my 40th was fast approaching I was still in massive denial, I didn't want to celebrate and at that stage was quite happy to just let it slide by. (Which a few of my friends have done. ) I started to list out people who I wanted to come, people I truly wanted to celebrate with. Some friends I see all the time and others I hadn't seen in sometime, the list grew and grew until I decided to have a party.

This was the hardest thing for me to do, I hate being the centre of attention and I really hate everyone looking at me. For so long I have wanted to hide, hide behind weight and its protection. What if they see the real me? So I freaked out! And then, I decided to simply jump in with 2 feet to create a fantastic evening.

Outwardly on the night I was fleeting around talking to everyone having a great time, on the inside though, I was terrified, the most terrifying moment was the cake cutting time with everyone LOOKING AT ME, singing ‘Happy Birthday' and worst of all I had to make a speech. As I stood there with 60 faces starring at me I could feel the dread come up. Usually I look away and avoid eye contact. On this night, I decided to do the opposite and I looked around at the crowd, looked into as many people's eyes as I could, opened my heart and faced my fear.

On the other side of fear was love, all I could feel coming back at me was love. Everyone who was there, was there for me to celebrate with me. They didn't judge me or care what I looked like, how much I weighed, what I wore they just loved me for me.

What I realised then and there is that all my friends accept me for who I am.....when will I accept myself?