Have you just discovered that your partner is cheating on you with someone else? Do you feel rage, jealousy, betrayal and resentment as you think about your partner's cheating behaviour? Are you confused about what to do and how to handle this situation?

Taking Responsibility

Firstly, it is important for you to realise that both you and your partner have contributed to this situation in your relationship - it takes two to tango. Take responsibility for your part in the relationship without beating yourself up over what has happened. Avoid taking full responsibility for this yourself, thinking that it is all your fault or all your partner's fault.

Instead, consider how you participated in or contributed to the situation. What role did you play? How have you contributed to this situation with your thoughts, emotions and actions? Are you overly suspicious of your partner? Do you not trust your partner fully and are your trust issues now being exposed? How long have you being afraid that your partner will cheat on you or leave you? Have your issues around intimacy, vulnerability or insecurity in yourself pushed your partner away?

How could you have acted or spoken differently so that your relationship with your partner is now different? Are you prepared to forgive your partner fully for their actions? And are you prepared to fully forgive yourself for what you have or have not done to contribute to this situation? Have you been fulfilling your own and your partners' needs in the relationship? If not, are you/they now seeking to fulfil those needs elsewhere? By the way, these are the same questions that your partner needs to ask themselves if they are keen to make the relationship work.

Who is really cheating?

Instead of blaming your partner for cheating, ask yourself how long have you been cheating on yourself: cheating yourself out of what you really want in life; cheating yourself out of doing, being and having what truly makes you happy; perhaps not being true to your word and not following through on the promises you made to yourself; or cheating yourself out of pursing your goals and dreams? Your partner is mirroring your thoughts, feelings and behaviour back to you to help you to learn about yourself. Remember we can only recognise in others that which is inside of us.

Also, what you fear the most you will attract. Your partner will pick up your energy and respond to it. I see this with clients, where one partner fears being alone and pushes the other partner away by being too clingy or desperate for their love. The other partner, in turn, feels claustrophobic and pulls away to have some space, and may even ask for their space or time apart.

Making empowering decisions

Rather than focusing on how you can hold onto your partner or get them to go to therapy, etc, keep your focus on what is within your control ie. how you think, feel, act and respond to your partner. It is important to take responsibility for any buttons that are pushed and for any emotions you feel because you are the one feeling it, rather than blaming your partner for making you feel that way. Pay attention to the emotions you feel, to your thoughts, communication and behaviour and look for any patterns with which you are unhappy. For example, do you go into a jealous rage every time your partner looks at someone else as you are walking down the street?

When you focus on yourself and you address your own self doubts, insecurities, fears, anger, betrayal, sadness, etc. your self esteem will improve greatly and you will be able to easily make decisions that are right for you. With this renewed confidence and self esteem, your behaviour towards your partner will change, which in turn changes the dynamic in the relationship too and the response you get from your partner. How great will you feel without those insecurities and how will your behaviour towards your partner change when they longer push your buttons?

People love being around positive and confident people, and they open up to them more easily. If you focus on improving your self confidence and self esteem, you are more likely to be "attractive" to your partner and start to open the dialogue between the two of you. Then with a more objective perspective, you will be able to make decisions that are more empowering of you. If your partner still chooses to see the other person, you will at least have the confidence to trust yourself to make a decision that is right for you.

Dr. Vesna Grubacevic is the founder of award-winning company Qt, an NLP Trainer, who holds a PhD in Clinical Hypnotherapy and a BEc. She is an author, speaker and the creator of breakthrough behavioural change techniques. For more techniques on improving your relationships and for your FREE gifts, visit www.qttransformation.com

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