Are you frustrated by constantly cleaning up after your partner, children or roommates? Do you wonder why no one else is doing the chores around the home? Is your weekend filled up with housework, leaving you little time for you and the fun things in life? Would you like to stop feeling like the house keeper and start to get some help around the house?

Whether you live with your partner, a friend or with your family and you find yourself constantly cleaning, cooking, ironing, washing and they rarely help out, the following strategies will help you.

Take stock

Before you start to point the finger at your partner, family or friends about what they are not doing to help you, look at how you are contributing to this situation. In any relationship, family and friendship, it takes at least two people to create a dynamic. Behaviour rarely occurs in isolation in a family, relationship and friendship. Think about and ask yourself "what needs am I having fulfilled by cleaning up after everyone and doing everyone else's chores?":

• are you getting attention from comments like "your home is always so spotless";
• do you secretly compete with your friends as to whose home is cleanest;
• are you bored and filling up your time with chores;
• is there something that you are too scared to confront so you are "hiding" behind the busyness of housework so that you avoid confronting it;
• do you take too much responsibility for others and this is just another way that you do that, by doing all the chores for everyone;
• is this a way you get sympathy from others when they say things like "you poor thing, you are always cleaning/at home";
• do you use chores as an excuse from doing other things eg. I am too busy cleaning the house to see my friends, to have hobbies, etc.
• are you obtaining approval or acceptance from family, friends or your partner by playing the role they expect you to play;
• is this just another way you sabotage your happiness and success?

Really think about the need that is being met through you doing so much around the house. Is it appropriate for you to meet that need in this way or are there underlying limiting beliefs (eg. need for approval, taking too much responsibility, etc) that are driving your behaviour? If it is the latter, it is important to address these limiting beliefs so that they stop holding you back from having a more balanced approach to chores and doing what you really desire in life.

Once you change these beliefs within you, it will change the dynamic in the relationships around you. For as long as you have these beliefs, you will accept other people's excuses for why they are unable to help you with the chores. For example, if you believe that you need to take too much responsibility for others, then when they say they are unable to help out, you will more easily accept that and do the chores yourself because of this belief. In turn, this will disempower you (as you are holding yourself back from doing other things in life) and disempower your family, friends and partner (as they avoid taking full responsibility for themselves).

Motivate the individual

Once you rebalance your priorities, it is also useful to understand how to motivate your partner, family and friends to help you out with the chores. There are two main types of motivation: toward (carrot and reward) and away from (stick and punishment). You need to understand which type of motivation works best for your partner, family and friends on an individual level.

Next time you interact with your partner, family and friends, listen to their language and notice whether they mainly focus on problems or solutions. This will tell you whether they are mainly toward or away from motivated and the best way you can get them to help you around the house.

If your partner, family member or friend is toward motivated, they will look for solutions, be goal oriented and enjoy rewards. To motivate them to help you, talk about the benefits to them of helping you with the chores and the rewards at the end of the task. If your partner, family member or friend is away from motivated, they will consider risks, worst case scenarios and what could go wrong. To motivate them to help you with the chores, talk about the consequences of not helping you and of not keeping the home clean, and the problems they can avoid later by helping you now.

Imagine the difference to your happiness and relationships once you let of go of any of your limitations, fulfil your needs in more empowering ways and appropriately motivate your family, friends and partner to help you share the workload.

Dr. Vesna Grubacevic is the founder of award-winning company Qt, an NLP Trainer, who holds a PhD in Clinical Hypnotherapy and a BEc. She is an author, speaker and the creator of breakthrough behavioural change techniques. For more techniques on improving your relationships and for your FREE gifts, visit www.qttransformation.com

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