Have you ever overreacted with anger to other people's comments or actions? Do you find yourself getting angry with yourself over the smallest things? Are you prone to road rage? How much is that anger affecting your relationships with your partner, family and friends?

When is anger appropriate?

Emotions are our way of knowing that something feels comfortable or uncomfortable for us. Therefore, paying attention to our emotions is very important. Sometimes we feel appropriate anger when our partner, family or friends do things that are disrespectful towards us. For example, when they call us names, put us down, take advantage of our good nature, etc.
If the anger we feel is in proportion to the situation that we are in, then the anger we feel is appropriate. Any time we overreact or experience anger which is out of proportion to the situation we are in, it is a sign that we have unresolved anger from the past (i.e. you are feeling the anger of the moment plus the anger of the past which is coming up for you to address).
Some people express their anger and others suppress it. Either way, if the anger is unresolved for a period of time, it has the potential to create health problems, such as heart attacks and heart disease. In addition, anger can result in very hurtful conversations with your partner, friends and family, which can sour those relationships.

Who Are You Really Angry With?

When we get really angry with our partner, family or friends over the smallest things, it is a sign that we have unresolved past anger. Our buttons are being pushed because the unresolved anger is there. Being angry with our partner, family or friends may not be what the underlying anger is about. Often we can be angry about other people or situations (eg. work challenges, our manager's demands, a colleague's comments, etc). Then when our partner, family member or friend innocently says or does something that pushes our buttons, we get angry with them.
Here are the top 5 ways to identify any possible anger issues:

1. Overreacting to situations with anger eg. road rage in traffic.
2. Overreacting to people with anger eg. being very short tempered, verbal abuse, lots of swearing or physical violence.
3. Beating up on yourself too much or being overly critical or judgemental of yourself may mean you are angry with yourself. You may even be angry at yourself for not doing the things you want to be doing or for not doing the things that you said you would do.
4. Finding it difficult to forgive other people for what has happened in the past may mean you are angry with them.
5. Being surrounded by angry people. Like attracts like. If you want to stop attracting angry people, let go of your anger first.

It is important to take responsibility for the anger you feel because you are the one feeling it, rather than blaming your partner, family or friends for making you feel angry.

Managing vs Addressing Past Anger

You can learn to deal with anger and to manage it as it comes up. This is only a temporary solution because the underlying anger will still be unresolved and will still be pushing your buttons and causing you to overreact. Screaming, yelling and expressing the anger will only make the situation worse over time as it only serves to intensify the underlying anger.

A more lasting solution is to deal with the underlying anger. The best way to be free of the anger once and for all is to address it in a safe and comfortable way, without having to relive the anger or the trauma of the past in order to let it go. It is also important to learn from the anger of the past as this will help you to more easily let it go, as well as protect you from creating the same angry situations or attracting angry people in the future.

Once the past anger is addressed, you will react to what your partner, family member or friend says and does in proportion to the situation. Imagine being free of your past anger and enjoying a more harmonious relationship with your partner, family and friends.

Dr. Vesna Grubacevic is the founder of award-winning company Qt, an NLP Trainer, who holds a PhD in Clinical Hypnotherapy and a BEc. She is an author, speaker and the creator of breakthrough behavioural change techniques. For more techniques on improving your relationships and for your FREE gifts, visit www.qttransformation.com