DO YOU HAVE ANY DIFFICULT FRIENDSHIPS? ARE YOU MORE RELUCTANT TO ‘BREAK UP' WITH A FRIEND THAN A LOVER? HERE PSYCHOLOGIST JACQUI MANNING DISCUSSES THE IDEA OF TOXIC FRIENDSHIP AND THE FACT WOMEN IN PARTICULAR HAVE TROUBLE LETTING GO.

I recently heard a radio discussion about female friendships and the fact that many women are reluctant to let go of friendships, even when they are not serving them well anymore.

Some use the term toxic friendships to describe those friendships that make you feel let down, put down, not supported (or perhaps even undermined) and worse. Men seem to have the ability to be more practical with their lives and if something is not working for them, they are able to call it as it is and let it go or move forward.

But women tend to hold on. Perhaps they think things will change or the hangover from school friendships is ever-present, where you must conform to a group at all costs and your friends are the most important people in your lives.

I've had my own experience in letting go of a toxic friend. We had been friends for about 15 years when I felt things had changed. It was hard to explain in concrete terms but I felt negativity from her constantly and I felt bad after I spent time with her. She was resentful of time I spent with other friends and even my own happiness. Over time, I had to admit to myself that things had changed and it wasn't a good idea for me to be good friends with her anymore.

So finally, I made a clear cut to the friendship and felt I could breathe more easily again. I didn't take this decision lightly - we had lots of mutual friends, so it was tricky at times, and still can be. However, I knew intuitively I had made the right decision and some years later this was confirmed to me without a doubt when I found out that she had betrayed me terribly at the height of our friendship.

What was interesting for me was when I was relating this story to another group of girlfriends; they each exclaimed that I was so brave for ending the friendship as they would have just let it drift along. Women it seems are bad at drawing a line in the sand with their female friends and will put up with behaviour they wouldn't tolerate in any other relationship, just for the ‘sake of the friendship'.
It really seems it is easier for women to break up with a boyfriend or partner than it is to say goodbye to a friendship that isn't working anymore.

So how do you recognise a toxic friend?
She may be unsupportive of you, draining of your energy and time, unrewarding to spend time with, stifling, unreliable and can leave you feeling used.

Everyone can have bad days but the toxic friend will behave like this often (if not always). If after spending time with them you feel bad about yourself, instead of good, or you feel drained emotionally, financially or mentally, they just aren't good for you.

What can you do about it?
- Firstly acknowledge the problem to yourself.
- Once you have realised this friendship isn't good for you, take responsibility for how you will be treated from now on.
- Set boundaries by deciding what is acceptable to you and what isn't, and say ‘no' to her if she continues treating you in ways you don't like. Stand your ground.
- If you have made her aware of your boundaries and nothing changes then you can even try suggesting professional help, and explain why.
- At some point you may have to decide enough is enough and end the friendship. This will often be difficult or hurtful to do but if you know it's over, and if you've explained to her why, then stick to your decision.

Life is too short to have people in it that put you down, let you down or bring you down. Surround yourself with people whose energy you trust and admire and see how this affects you - it will be more uplifting than you think!

Jacqui Manning is a psychologist and the director of Mind Advantage in Balmain, Sydney. She specialises in helping individuals get more happiness in their lives, work and relationships. To book an appointment or for more information, go to www.mindadvantage.com.au or call (02) 9555 8806