The last column I talked how we can confuse empathy with thinking that we can feel anothers' pain. Today I want to talk about the need to rescue. To rescue is something which has been celebrated through the ages of man. The damsel in distress, the children from the wicked witch, our fables, stories, and legends herald the valiant and the brave who rescue others from perilous situations. Today I want to talk of emotional rescuing.

There are many definitions of emotional rescuing so I will start out by explaining what I am referring to when I talk about emotional rescue. I am talking about the need to step in and prevent others from having to experience what you believe to be emotionally painful experiences. It is the projection of our experience onto a situation and our interpretation of that situation that results in feeling the need to do rescue. It is not unlike thinking that we know how others are feeling.

When we try to prevent others from what we view as a potentially bad emotional situation. We are actually robbing them of the opportunity to grow personally as well as to develop some very important life skills. Parents can fall into this trap, as can friends. When we have a knowing of how things turn out that we can potentially get into trouble.

Now I am not referring to those black and white situations such as preventing five year olds from using bread knife because they don't have the motor skills to control it and there is the potential to sever an artery. Or when you know the man your single friend is seeing is married and has six children! I am talking about those situations which resonate on a very personal level with the pain in your past. The intensity of your response to these situations is usually an indication of how much unresolved hurt is sitting within you. So you try to heal your pain by helping others.

It may be something as simple as moving house. You had a terrible experience and the thought of moving house is enough to make you curl up into a foetal ball. So you will offer to organise it for you friend so they don't have face the same experience. Your offer is well intentioned but you are depriving them of establishing the skills that it takes to co-ordinate the effort. You are also implying through your actions that you don't believe they have the necessary skills to accomplish this. By all means help, but it is important to resist the need to take over the situation. You can share the challenges that you faced, and how you resolved them, and then your role ends there. It is not appropriate to get upset or offended if that information is not acted upon. It is important to respect the individuals' right to make their own mistakes. Mistakes are nothing more than opportunities to grow as human beings.

Relationship advice falls in to the same basket, if you are asked for advice you can offer your experience and then it ends there. Everybody learns differently some are academic can source the knowledge from books, some need to experience it. Even though you have memories and feelings attached to your learning experience which you don't see as positive you have forgotten some very important things. You survived, you thrived, you developed some amazing skills and this situation is one of many which helped mould you into the person you are today, so it can't be all bad!

Shelley Murphy is a Counsellor, Heal Your Life Workshop Leader, Angel Therapist, Reiki Master, Artist, and Writer who is passionate about personal empowerment. For more information email This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or visit http://users.adam.com.au/buddha/healyourlife.htm