In her recent article in this magazine, Lindsay Tighe advocated that readers should do more self reflection by asking themselves some Better Questions. In this column she has provided some Better Questions to ask yourself in your self reflections, on the basis that if you ask yourself a better question you will find a better answer.

Do you find yourself experiencing negative emotions too often in your life? If so it is time to ask yourself some better questions as better questions will enable you to find better answers and to change those emotions.

Emotional intelligence is one of the most important predictors of success in our lives and work and involves us taking responsibility for our feelings and making choices to help manage ourselves and situations in a more empowered way. It was an enlightening moment in my life when I realised that only I can control my emotions and the way I feel about something.

If we accept that ultimately we are in control of our emotions, good questions will be a useful tool in helping us become more conscious of proactively changing them. The intelligence about our emotions comes into play when we look at our ability to recognise an emotion, understand what triggered it and then take appropriate action to manage it, if required.

Questions can be a powerful tool in instigating us to change our emotions. They help us to become conscious of the source of the emotion and when we think about the question that has been posed our emotions can change rapidly. Generally, just thinking about the question has the power to alter emotions, so by using questions we can change the way we think and feel about something.

Einstein famously said: "The way we see the problem, is the problem," so we can use questions in a methodical way to change the way we see things that will change our feelings. The first powerful question that needs to be asked will help us become more conscious of what is going on, so asking the question "How am I feeling?" is a great way to get started. Once this has been identified, the next question is "What caused me to feel this way?"
What we are trying to identify here is the triggering event or situation that created the feeling. Please take time to explore this to uncover what is the root cause of the feeling.

Once we have identified this, the next powerful question to ask ourselves is "How am I choosing to see or interpret this situation?" This question helps us to become conscious of the frame or version of reality in which we see a situation and is usually identifiable from becoming aware of our internal ‘self-talk'. It is interesting to note that the words and tone we use influence the way we feel about what we are telling ourselves.

Having become aware of this interpretation, the opportunity to move forward comes from the next question, which is "How else can I interpret or see this situation?" This question provides us with an opportunity to take another look at what is happening to see if there is a more positive, healthy or less intense version of events that we can consider. To be effective you are invited to have an open mind and a willingness to be flexible about what is actually true, otherwise you will be locked into the same inflexible patterns of perceptions of reality.

The next step happens almost like magic. As soon as you see a different version of reality, one that is more positive and less intense, amazingly the feelings shift almost as quickly as they appeared. You can see how powerful this technique is. A negative thought creates a negative feeling. A positive thought creates a positive feeling. Thus, the final question becomes "How do I feel now that I have put a different interpretation on this?" Acknowledging that the feeling has shifted is powerful in itself.

The final point that I wish to make is that sometimes the best response is not to work on changing your response to situations, but to work on changing the situation. More questions on the skill required to do this in a future article!

Lindsay is the founder of Inspirational Coaching and is a successful and highly regarded speaker, business woman, author and coach who is passionate about inspiring others to improve their own lives and the lives of others by asking better questions.